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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Yin Yang

I phagged out on jogging yesterday. It was too hot. My shoes were still wet. I had to go do that thing. My grandmother was sick. My dog ate my homework. I must have got the am vs pm thing wrong on my alarm clock. Art DeVaney said jogging is bad. I’m gonna start tomorrow I swear. Something was stuck up my rectum…again.

It’s becoming increasing obvious that I won’t be jogging.  I’m feeling too good to jog. Honestly my joints haven’t felt this good since I’ve been 12.  Why should I go out and embark upon a dismal, dour activity that destroys hips and knees. Have you ever seen a jogger that looks like he is enjoying himself? They all have this look on their faces like they are being sodomized for the first time…against their will.

Instead I did a Yin Yoga practice presented by this Jew broad.

She’s a little skinny for Rant’s liking. Rant likes plenty of junk in the trunk. In any event it was a pretty good hip and lower back opening practice. As I thought about things last night it occurred to me that it’s all about yin and yang. I already have the yang with my OPM workout 3 days a week. Toss in a few days of yin yoga and it rounds it all out.

As you all know Rant is never hurt or sick or anything like that. I haven’t been to an ortho since college ball and don’t even remember the last time I saw a doctor. Why would I? Those professionals are for people that don’t take proper care of their bodies.  That does not apply to me. One of the main reasons I am never hurt, besides using by brain when training, is that I have always stayed close to yoga in one form or another.  As I get older I realize it’s all about mobility. All these fitness gurus that scoff at yoga are the ones that end up with hip, knee and shoulder replacements. They are the kinds of assholes I end up seeing jogging in the pool for an hour at the YMCA.

Contrary to all the bullshit around here Rant is not fat. Not even close. When I talk about weight it’s a vanity thing like wanting to get a six pack not being 20 pounds overweight. I’m good and my diet is fine. What I’m really searching for is the yin. That was my moment of enlightenment last night. I think a good 3 months of yin yang via yin yoga and OPM and I’ll be golden.

Maybe I can then start charging for access to my site and holding seminars making up preposterous stories about what cavemen ate and how they “exercised”.  The other day I heard 2 fat chicks prattling on about paleo. You know a diet has jumped the shark when fat chicks are touting it. They were also taking about Crossfit, surprise, surprise. Listen. Fuck paleo and Crossfit. I know I whine about diet a lot but I do eat well. I eat what I like when I like and basically shoot for a style of eating that my Irish grandmothers advocated. They ate food, nothing processed.  Dinner at their house would be fish, chicken or read meat on special occasions, vegetables, brown bread and butter and of course potatoes. Once in a while she’d bake a pie or something. They drank water, shit loads of tea and milk and drop or two of the pure. They lived long lives and were always the same weight. They didn’t “workout”. They didn’t own sneakers and they didn’t wear short pants.

As for Crossfit… What else is there to say? It’s still basically a program for bored trophy wives and pencil necked stock brokers willing to shell out $200 a month to do calisthenics in an old warehouse.  It’s for douchebag wannabes that didn’t have the balls to man up when they had the opportunity to play rough sports or work rough jobs.  Ten years from now Crossfit will have gone the way of nautilus, jazzercise, vibrating belt machines, obesity soap, the Thigh Master, Tae Bow, The Gazelle, cardio glide, Bowflex,  Sweatin’ to the Oldies… ad nauseam.

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